There are journeys that take us to places within ourselves for growth and revelation of who we are. These journeys do not instantly change us, it’s a process that takes time and patience. My journey through the desert exposed my shortcomings and areas of dryness.
I wish I could say that I came out a better person, but I can’t. What I can say is that I was broken and fragile. I couldn’t see because of the dust storms that encircled and even covered me at times. I felt as if I would suffocate, become buried alive and no-one would ever know what happened. On the outside I looked just fine, but on the inside I was struggling to find my way and a way out.
I was fearful because I lacked provision and direction. I wandered around lost for months. Fear gripped me and I felt as though I would sink at times. The sun constantly beat upon my head reminding me that I had been exposed to the elements and vulnerable to the creatures hidden in the desert.
I was alone because it was a journey of purpose and the purpose was to break everything I had built up including myself. The more I built up the lower I sunk. The barriers I surrounded myself with was slowly becoming my grave. How many more graves exist in the desert I wondered? As I just sat looking up admiring the sky and stars. This kept me sane.
Now, don’t get me wrong…I knew I couldn’t stay in that place or in the same condition. Something had to change…I had to change…my perception had to change and the desert was changing me.
I was becoming dry and lifeless.
No! I realize that I was already those things on the inside. My surroundings was a mirror reflecting what was on the inside of me.
Who am I? What is my purpose?
Hmm, that’s why I’m here in this desert place.
I had to be broken. All those false images I had of myself, other peoples perceptions over the years framed my existence and I never noticed. Maybe because I thought they were true. They weren’t necessarily bad things, but were they really me! Maybe some things, but not everything.
In the desert, I didn’t find myself. My feet kept sinking in the sand for over a year and a half.
I had to start breaking down my sandy walls and pack it under my feet until one day I was above my barriers. I had been gracefully broken by the love of God in my wilderness called the desert.
But I was still dry. All I could pour into others were rocks, sand and pebbles. I’m sure there was something of value that came out occasionally.
But at least I finally realized it! The journey continues next time Texas…
Hugs and Love from me to you! Valarie
